On the Wheel Again

Anyone else feel like a hamster on a wheel with this whole TTC thing?

I do. I guess when it’s meant to be it will be.

Maybe.

That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway. *sigh*

‘I don’t know if I can even honestly say that we’re trying this month. I’m still charting and I began taking B2 and B12 again to try and get my charts back on track. My eating has been a lot better this week and over all, other than not getting enough sleep I think I’m doing alright.

J is tired a lot and worried about getting a job and I know that that has a lot to do with how he feels about TTC. Fact is, we’ve been unofficially trying for two years last month. We’ve been officially trying since last May. I’m 36, he’s 43 and time is running out. So should we continue to try and get pregnant during this period in our lives with the economy so up in the air? Do we have a choice if we want to have children?

So yeah, all things being equal I think we’re kind of half-assing it. I’m charting and taking vitamins but we’re not really timing BD any more or less than usual. Gone are the days where BD is possible every day. I think every other day would be the best we could do if we really did put our minds to it (and that’s okay with me). But that’s not happening either. Maybe once every three days… four, sometimes? Does it really matter?

I’d be lying though if I said that there wasn’t just the smallest part of me that resented the economy being bad and the Euro being up the in air, and my husband (though no fault of his own) being unemployed.

But it is what it is and in the long, grand scheme of things I know that I really don’t have any problems at all. I am so blessed beyond what so many have, I don’t want to complain too loudly.

Here’s my chart, I’m checking it against a chart from last June since that one seems to be the closest. Besides, it’s fun to compare.

So who knows? Maybe I’ll get pregnant this month. I doubt it, but then, anything is possible. Right?

In Which I Begin Anew

Happy 2012!

I wanted to stop in and quickly update where we stand right now.

*For the really quick version skip to the bottom for a summary.

You know how sometimes it takes stepping back to gain the perspective you need to see what is staring you in the face?Well, that’s kind of what has happened in the last month or so.

I began charting back in mid May- about half way through my cycle. I noticed that first month that my LP was on the short side and began taking B2 and B12 in an attempt to lengthen it. My charts immediately improved. Until September, that is.

In September I took a business trip right around the time I was supposed to ovulate and it threw everything off. Since then, my cycles have been totally out of whack. I’ve only had just the one anovulatory cycle, but my O days have been all over the place and my LP has been different from month to month. I assumed that it was that dang anovulatory cycle that did it.

I believe now that I assumed wrong.

Looking back on it I realized that something else happened around that same time period that could also have had a huge impact on it.

Our C%BRA insurance ran out the end of July, our private insurance began the beginning of August. Now, we’re very fortunate to have been able to take advantage of private plan insurance but one of the down sides was it meant that we now have a $100 yearly prescription deductible. That may not seem like a lot, but to us, the idea of spending $100  just a few months before the end of the year when the whole thing rolls over and begins new seemed silly.

I was only taking one medicine, Adderall. I have a mild (thank God) form of ADD- it’s not so bad that I can’t work or function without medicine, but it is enough that the medicine makes life easier. When I stopped taking it, I also found that it had an impact on my health that I hadn’t anticipated.

A lot of people will say that Adderall has an appetite suppressant quality- and for them, that may well be the case. My dosage is so low (read: my fifteen year old takes a higher dose than I do)  that I never really noticed that part of it. What I did notice was that all of the things that I normally do to ensure that I eat properly; things like preparing my lunch the night before (or in some cases, cooking on the weekends for the week), coupon clipping to make sure that we have the extra money that eating organically and cleanly is available, remembering throughout the day to sip my water, basic things that ensure that I stay healthy I stopped doing when I stopped taking my medicine.

Having mild ADD is frustrating because you aren’t always aware of what you’re missing. And then when you are aware of it and you strive to focus on that one missing thing, you instantly lose focus on something else.

I couldn’t afford to lose focus in my work. So that became my main focus and everything else suffered. I’ve gained about twenty pounds, I’ve all but stopped blogging, I’ve basically been living in a bubble for these past several months and it’s been driving me crazy!!

What I’m getting at is that the extra twenty pounds coupled with the crappy eating habits, the preservatives, the additives, the well, dare I say it? Shit that has been entering my body for these last four months has probably also had an impact on my cycles. Garbage in- Garbage Out and all that. Right?

So here we are in January and I’ve just gotten a new prescription. Yippee!! I paid the damn deductible (that hurt) and fought with my insurance company over it. It seems that they will no longer accept the generic that I’ve always taken and that WAS a $15 co-pay. Now I have to have the name brand stuff and it will cost me $75 a month! Needless to say, I’ll be calling my doctor next week to talk with her about switching medicines. I can’t justify that much money each month.

So there you have it. I slightly rambling explanation that could have just as easily been summed up as:

No medicine = Crap consumed + No focus  = Messed up cycles = No baby

I start taking my medicine again in the morning. I’m so excited! I hope it doesn’t take me too long to get this extra weight off. I’m shooting for about 20 pounds by Valentines Day. And yeah. that’s a lot, but I think I’ll drop the first eight pounds really quickly (I usually do). So it evens out a little better from there.

So here are my goals for the next five and a half weeks:

I’m happy goal: 10 pounds lost.

I’m ecstatic goal: 20 pounds lost.

Here’s to hoping for a better, healthier, more prosperous 2012!

NOPE!

I probably should’ve updated sooner. Oops.

So I don’t know if I had a chemical or if it was a false positive but I am most definitely NOT pregnant.

And that’s okay.

A couple of days after my last post AF showed up with force. I think my body was trying to make up for the anovulatory cycle I had a couple of months ago. I’ve done nothing but spot since then so this month was nice in that I know that everything is back to working like it should.

I’m not sure if we’re going to try this month. I know that we’re losing time and that I’m not getting any younger, but our lives are very much up in the air right now and I’m not sure that getting pregnant now would be the best idea. I guess we’ll play it by ear.

J’s job is still very much up in the air, we thought that we would’ve heard something before now but I’m afraid that the slide into the holiday’s has slowed down the process. We keep praying that something will happen soon!

Anyway, here’s to another good month!

Am I, or Am I Not?

OMG!

I still haven’t started y’all!!

I’ve been thinking that I’m going to start at any time because I’ve had some killer low back pain and menstrual type cramping going on. Hell, I even slept with a pad on a couple of nights ago because I was just that sure that I was going to start. I’ve taken a couple of pregnancy tests before today and they’ve all been stone cold negative.

Then today, I notice that my chart decided to not continue the fast crash that leads to AF. It actually rebounded a little. Not a lot mind you, but enough that it made me wonder what the heck is going on. You'll notice a couple of open circles on my chart for the last few days- my test time changed from 5:45 am to 7:30 am- not a huge change but enough to warrant the open circles I guess. I thought about tweaking the temperatures down by a point and a half but honestly, it was such a small difference that it hardly seemed to matter. Regardless of the tweak, the differences remain the same.

So I took another test this morning, just to convince myself that my body has just decided to be stubborn again this cycle.

Was it positive, you might be wondering?

Well. I’m wondering that too!

Grrrr! Yes, there was the faintest of second lines on the test strip, so faint that I couldn’t get a decent picture of it on my cell phone. So faint that I’m half convinced that I’m seeing things and that it’s just a fluke, a shadow, my imagination, fate playing tricks on me… you get the idea.

So am I pregnant? I have no idea. I’m afraid to think about it too much. But you can bet your sweet backside that I’ll be testing again tomorrow morning!

Here’s the grainy, fuzzy, not-really-helpful-at-all-picture that I took. Try not to laugh at my craziness, m’kay?

So what do you think? Am I totally nuts?!?

CD 28: 11 DPO

ARG! This whole process is making a crazy woman out of me!

No, we were not “trying” this month- we had decided that well in advance. Unfortunately, I was just coming off from a long anovulatory cycle so everything was kind of messed up. I ovulated on CD 17 instead of around CD 14 and inadvertently BD on the day I ovulated. I maintain that the likelihood of a BFP this month is slim, for one thing due to weird schedules and periodic illnesses J’s guys were less than fresh, know what I mean?

The problem is that even knowing all of that I’m still hoping deep down that this will be the month. I’m crazy, right? This isn’t the month! I have no symptoms that aren’t AF related, I don’t ‘feel’ pregnant, nothing I’ve seen or felt has made me think otherwise. So why can’t I stop hoping?

If I follow a typical cycle length I can expect AF on Tuesday. I know I’m crazy, I know it. And yet I’m still praying for that small chance.

In other news, I’m being considered for a Director’s position at my work and J is being heavily courted by a huge company that seems to have made up their minds to hire him. We don’t know where yet or even when, just that they want him for something. Nice and vague, huh? I know that deep down that this probably isn’t the best time for us to get pregnant. We have a lot of changes coming up in the near months, including a move.

And yet I still hold out hope.

*praying*praying*praying*

A Sight For Sore Eyes

I don’t mind telling you that when I took my temperature this morning and was rewarded by crosshairs I did a happy dance. Well, I DID have crosshairs, now their just dotted (why the change FF?) but still, after last month I’ll take it!

I’m a little concerned about how the time change is going to effect my chart- ordinarily it wouldn’t be a big thing but as I’m on the fence it could matter.

So we hauled off and accidently BD on the day I ovulated. Oops! So much for not trying this month! Still, I think the chances of our actually conceiving this month are very very slim. I guess we’ll know pretty soon one way or the other.

All fingers, toes, and eyes have been crossed for the possibility of a job. We’re in a really good position for a really great opportunity sometime in the next week so please pray hard for a good outcome for us. We really need the good news!

CD18: Update

I thought I’d pop in for a quick update. There’s not a whole lot to report; we’re not actively trying this month (and frankly, I’m still holding my breath to see if I ovulate) so there’s not too much to say.

Here’s how the ole chart is looking:

I came down with a sinus infection/ear infection around CD 9 that lasted for a few days- I think that’s why my temperatures were so weird. I’m kind of waiting to see if my temperatures keep going up. If they did than I think I can safely relax. I’m wondering if my stopping all of the supplements I had been taking had anything to do with my having an anovulatory cycle. When I began taking B6, Maca, and L-Arginine I saw my ovulation day move from CD 22 to CD 14. When I took that business trip back in September I goofed and left them back at my in-laws house. By the time I got back a week later I was out of the habit and well past the point of no return for that month.

I still haven’t began taking them again- I don’t know why. I guess I’m pouting a little over taking a month off. I know that I still need those nutrients but I’m kind of enjoying my morning coffee and lack of a pill pack- ya know?

In other news, we’re I somehow miraculously able to become pregnant I would so totally have to buy this:

So stinkin’ cute!!