Choosing Happiness

I think every once in a while it does us good to just re-boot, re-start, and re-work the way we've been doing things.

This second anovulatory cycle (I had one in July as well) as been harder for me than I expected. Being able to conceive isn't something that I ever questioned before. Hell, getting knocked up accidentally and through two different forms of birth control had me convinced that we only had to choose the month and BAM! I'd be pregnant.

Now. Now I know that's not the case.

I think accepting secondary infertility is almost scarier than just being infertile. Much in the same way that intermittent reinforcement is the strongest type of enforcement that exists, being able to get pregnant once and then not be able to again is mind boggling. If I had never conceived before I could somehow accept that it just wasn't possible for me. Having done it accidentally before I'm stuck in this unending cycle of not understanding what I'm doing wrong. I've even wondered in passing if I should just get drunk and attack my husband on the desk- it seemed to work the first time. Maybe that's what's wrong.

I am so incredibly grateful for my son. He has taught me so much about life that I really can't express the depth of my feelings- both as his mother and as his friend.

But now, after this second month where I haven't ovulated (and yeah, life got in the way. Stress impacts it, blah, blah, blah) I've come to realize that what will happen will happen. Maybe it'll be what I want, maybe it won't.

I wanted to get pregnant in two years ago. I wanted to get pregnant this last May. And then in June. And July. And August. And September... I am choosing to focus on my health, employment, marriage, mothering, life in October.

In November we will decide whether to keep our appointment with the RE. Hell, I don't even know if our private insurance will cover the RE appointment.

But I do know that I've gained thirteen pounds in the last two months- largely because my focus has been on my thermometer, my charts, my CM, my CP, and NOT on what I am putting into my mouth and on my health.

And that's just silly. I'm going to keep charting so I'll know what's happening but I'm going to try and shift my focus back on living real life and not wishing away my months on something that I have little to no control over.