Starting Fresh

Kinda.

AF typically lasts four days for me, with the last day being mostly spotting. When I began spotting last week it was mostly just that, but it lasted for exactly four days. I’ve decided for sanities sake to call it AF, mark my chart accordingly and move forward. I’m trying to pay closer attention to other signs of ovulation this month just to be sure that I am in fact, on a new cycle.

I’ve considered buying OPK’s but tossed that idea as we’re not actually trying to get pregnant this month. Almost every member of my family has a July birthday and frankly, I don’t want another one. We’ve also got just too much going on right now for us to think about conception. We’ll probably pick it back up next month.

Here’s my chart so far, this is cycle day 9 if your curious. I woke up this morning sick so today’s temperature isn’t being factored. I just really hope that this doesn’t throw off ovulation this month. I really need the peace of mind that comes with a new chart, ya know. I can deal with not getting pregnant with my body cooperating (for now, anyway), but I’m having a harder time dealing with it when it’s not!

In other news, this is a big, important week for our family- there is the possibility that by this time next week (give or take a day) my husband may have found a job. If you happen to be the praying sort, we’d sure appreciate the help!

I never thought I’d appreciate having a chart in the WTO side of things as much I do this one!

Just For Me

I did something on Sunday that was just for me- and I liked it. So much that I’ve decided to keep with it. It’s nothing earth shattering mind you, and frankly something that most people do regularly.

I set a goal.

I’m going to sign up for a 5K on December 17th- a scant nine weeks away from last weekend. There. I said it and I’ve posted it online. It must be true now, right?

I’ve never actually run for more than a minute or so at a time in my life- I’ve participated in one 5K in the past- last year, but I walked the whole thing.

I honestly don’t believe that I’m going to be able to run the whole thing in December, but I’d like to better than just walking- and I think that goal is doable.

My goal is two fold: I want to follow the C25K program as closely as I can (my knees are twice my actual age) and I also want to work out in the gym on the off days. I had one of the trainers at my work (local non-profit health facility) put together a thirty minute circuit for me a few weeks ago. I tried it out on Sunday and loved it. I’ve been trying to do a full circuit plus thirty minutes on the elliptical on the days that I’m not learning how to run. The whole thing comes in at about an hour and is just about perfect for my level of fitness right now.

Here’s how this week has gone down so far:

Sunday: Full circuit plus 30 min on elliptical.

Monday: Was supposed to begin W1D1 of C25K but began spotting that day and felt weak. Decided that caution was the better part of valor and walked for 35 minutes instead. Spent most of the day hobbling about as my newly awakened muscles revolted from the day before.

Tuesday: Full circuit plus 20 minutes on elliptical. I was immensely proud of myself for this workout. It is really really hard to work out in a place that you’ve spent all day laboring in. Tuesday was especially hard as I spent the majority of the day in meetings and then getting screamed at by the public ( I handle financial stuff). Working out around people who you’re feeling less than generous about is hard- especially when they’re in MUCH better shape than you. Still, 20 on the elliptical was the best I could do, I was just too tired. I’m calling it a victory as I stood outside the doors for five minutes trying to NOT talk myself out of going in. I went in and I did it. Total victory there.

Wednesday: Off work today so decided to take advantage of the cooler temperatures and try W1D2 outside- I’m so glad I did! Honestly, about a third of the way through the program I really thought that there was no way I could do it. I’m not just saying that. My shoes are old and worn out, my feet were killing me, my body was just plain tired, and really, to be totally honest, I was just kind of OVER IT. Ya know? But I dug in and finished it and am stinkin’ proud of my out of shape self for doing it. I accomplished what I set out to do, plus a little more (as I was still not back to my house my cool down was about five minutes longer than intended). Yay me!

I’ll leave you with this picture I found on Pinterest. I’m 100% sure that I made this toddler look good towards the end of this first ‘run’.

Christmas May Have Come Early

I don’t know how to formulate a post that covers what I’m feeling right now so I’ll just say that when I took my temperature this morning (after warring with myself for ten minutes wondering if there was even any point) I discovered this:

See??? Do you see what I did? That’s right, a HA-UGE temperature drop! Could it be? Could AF FINALLY be on her way?

Oh please-oh please-oh please!!!!

I’ve been spotting all afternoon, nothing that warrants a liner or anything, just enough to give me hope. I’m praying so hard that tomorrow will be the day that I can finally say is CD1. I am so ready for this long 51 day cycle to end I can’t even see straight. I’ve been so worried that this could turn into another eight to ten month dry spell. It looks, at least right now, that that won’t be the case.

Whew!

So Then THAT Happened!

Alright. I’ll say it.

UNCLE!

I haven’t got the slightest idea what the hell my body is doing right now. I’ve never had a chart that looked like this before- the closest one that I’ve had was last July- a cycle that I’m still half convinced was anovulatory due to both the lack of a clear bi-phasic pattern and the weird menstrual period I had (two days spotting, one light, one spotting, and then nothing). I started spotting right when I was due to begin my period anyway so I just chalked it up to an awful cycle and moved on.

Except now I STILL haven’t started and now, today, FF gave me crosshairs. Sort of.

If there is hope to be had, (and that’s a BIG if), my temperatures have been slowly rising for the last week. Does that mean anything? I doubt it! Two pregnancy tests (that I just realized I forgot to chart) one today and one a couple of days ago say that I’m not pregnant.

So now I’m finding myself googling parsley tea (blech!) and other natural methods of bring on AF. Lovely.

I just feel out of whack, ya know? Emotionally I’m kind of a mess. It’s like having all of the fun of PMS without the release that normal comes at the end. Only now I’m dealing with two months worth of bottled up drama instead of my usual one.

I just want this cycle to be over so I can move on. I think 45 days is more than enough, don’t you?

Still Waiting

So this is where we’re at today:

Cycle Day one million, three hundred thousand, nine hundred and twelve. Give or take a few.

What?

Well it sure as heck FEELS like it!

I’m doing everything that I can to not obsess about the fact that I still haven’t started yet. That I still haven’t ovulated yet. That I still haven’t earned the right to start over.

And friends, it’s killing me!

I am so afraid that I’ve slipped back into an anovulatory pattern that I can’t seem to see straight. The last time this happened I went for ten long months without starting.

I know what your thinking. Yeah, I could call the doctor and request something to get things moving. But I don’t want to. It doesn’t have anything at all to do with my personal beliefs or my husband not wanting to. It really is nothing more than I don’t want to go there. Yet.

I have a confession to make.

I um… haven’t been taking any of my supplements or vitamins since I went out of town the second week of September. No Maca no folic acid. Nada.

And I don’t know why. Pouting, maybe?

I’ve also gained like ten pounds (which brings my three month total up to a whopping seventeen pounds. YOWZA!

Which could also have something to do with my not ovulating,

But those things stop now. I made a couple of healthy recipes this weekend to get me started out on the right foot this week. One of them, pumpkin and chocolate chip muffins are amazing (and only about 160 calories a piece!). I also met up with a friend of mine who just happens to be a personal trainer and got her to come up with a fitness plan to whip my sorry tail back into shape. You know, a shape other than ROUND that is!!

And J and I took the time to go for a walk tonight. I am recommitting to my health this week. These last few weeks I’ve really been struggling in a lot of areas of my life. Most of it has to do with feeling out of control- y’all ever feel like that?

So here we go. Week One of Operation Get My Backside in Gear is off and running!

Choosing Happiness

I think every once in a while it does us good to just re-boot, re-start, and re-work the way we've been doing things.

This second anovulatory cycle (I had one in July as well) as been harder for me than I expected. Being able to conceive isn't something that I ever questioned before. Hell, getting knocked up accidentally and through two different forms of birth control had me convinced that we only had to choose the month and BAM! I'd be pregnant.

Now. Now I know that's not the case.

I think accepting secondary infertility is almost scarier than just being infertile. Much in the same way that intermittent reinforcement is the strongest type of enforcement that exists, being able to get pregnant once and then not be able to again is mind boggling. If I had never conceived before I could somehow accept that it just wasn't possible for me. Having done it accidentally before I'm stuck in this unending cycle of not understanding what I'm doing wrong. I've even wondered in passing if I should just get drunk and attack my husband on the desk- it seemed to work the first time. Maybe that's what's wrong.

I am so incredibly grateful for my son. He has taught me so much about life that I really can't express the depth of my feelings- both as his mother and as his friend.

But now, after this second month where I haven't ovulated (and yeah, life got in the way. Stress impacts it, blah, blah, blah) I've come to realize that what will happen will happen. Maybe it'll be what I want, maybe it won't.

I wanted to get pregnant in two years ago. I wanted to get pregnant this last May. And then in June. And July. And August. And September... I am choosing to focus on my health, employment, marriage, mothering, life in October.

In November we will decide whether to keep our appointment with the RE. Hell, I don't even know if our private insurance will cover the RE appointment.

But I do know that I've gained thirteen pounds in the last two months- largely because my focus has been on my thermometer, my charts, my CM, my CP, and NOT on what I am putting into my mouth and on my health.

And that's just silly. I'm going to keep charting so I'll know what's happening but I'm going to try and shift my focus back on living real life and not wishing away my months on something that I have little to no control over.

Another Anovulatory Cycle

I'm trying really hard not to be frustrated right now. This month started out so promising, my chart was finally looking like it made sense. And then the bottom just fell out.

If anything I guess I should be grateful that I have this opportunity to see how stress impacts my body. I've read for years that stress can adversely impact my cycles and bodily functions. This month has given me an opportunity to see that first hand.

And it's ugly. I'm actually looking forward to this cycle being over so I have the chance to start over. We don't plan on trying next month, but I think I'll find it reassuring to see numbers that make sense.

One more week. Just one more week (hopefully!) until I can start over.

I just have to keep my eye on the ball. And relax.