Choosing Happiness

I think every once in a while it does us good to just re-boot, re-start, and re-work the way we've been doing things.

This second anovulatory cycle (I had one in July as well) as been harder for me than I expected. Being able to conceive isn't something that I ever questioned before. Hell, getting knocked up accidentally and through two different forms of birth control had me convinced that we only had to choose the month and BAM! I'd be pregnant.

Now. Now I know that's not the case.

I think accepting secondary infertility is almost scarier than just being infertile. Much in the same way that intermittent reinforcement is the strongest type of enforcement that exists, being able to get pregnant once and then not be able to again is mind boggling. If I had never conceived before I could somehow accept that it just wasn't possible for me. Having done it accidentally before I'm stuck in this unending cycle of not understanding what I'm doing wrong. I've even wondered in passing if I should just get drunk and attack my husband on the desk- it seemed to work the first time. Maybe that's what's wrong.

I am so incredibly grateful for my son. He has taught me so much about life that I really can't express the depth of my feelings- both as his mother and as his friend.

But now, after this second month where I haven't ovulated (and yeah, life got in the way. Stress impacts it, blah, blah, blah) I've come to realize that what will happen will happen. Maybe it'll be what I want, maybe it won't.

I wanted to get pregnant in two years ago. I wanted to get pregnant this last May. And then in June. And July. And August. And September... I am choosing to focus on my health, employment, marriage, mothering, life in October.

In November we will decide whether to keep our appointment with the RE. Hell, I don't even know if our private insurance will cover the RE appointment.

But I do know that I've gained thirteen pounds in the last two months- largely because my focus has been on my thermometer, my charts, my CM, my CP, and NOT on what I am putting into my mouth and on my health.

And that's just silly. I'm going to keep charting so I'll know what's happening but I'm going to try and shift my focus back on living real life and not wishing away my months on something that I have little to no control over.

Another Anovulatory Cycle

I'm trying really hard not to be frustrated right now. This month started out so promising, my chart was finally looking like it made sense. And then the bottom just fell out.

If anything I guess I should be grateful that I have this opportunity to see how stress impacts my body. I've read for years that stress can adversely impact my cycles and bodily functions. This month has given me an opportunity to see that first hand.

And it's ugly. I'm actually looking forward to this cycle being over so I have the chance to start over. We don't plan on trying next month, but I think I'll find it reassuring to see numbers that make sense.

One more week. Just one more week (hopefully!) until I can start over.

I just have to keep my eye on the ball. And relax.

CD 20: Ugliness

Okay. So the last time I blogged my chart was looking fabulous and all was right with the world.

Last Friday my husband, son, and I all drove up to my in-laws new place to help them get settled into their new house. We stayed in a hotel on Friday and Saturday night and spent all day, both days moving and unpacking boxes. I woke up Saturday morning with a cold from hell. I was sneezing, coughing, congested, and blowing my nose every five minutes. It was NOT NICE. I stocked up on Zinc and just made the best of it. Thankfully, by Sunday I was feeling mostly human (I must have had the shortest cold in the history of the planet).

Monday I hoped in the car and drove three hours South to attend a software conference for work. They put us up in the Sheraton Hotel, my room was on the twelve floor- and can I just say how much I HATE that particular hotel chain? The rooms are sparsely furnished (really, no fridge?), the linens feel like they were made out of plastic, the duvet was some sort of polyester blend, and I must have had to walk a full half mile to get from the parking garage to my room. All in all, it was a royal pain in the neck!

But I digress. Nine meetings and two key note speakers later and it was over. I never sleep well without my husband and honestly I doubt I slept more than two or three hours each night I was away. I drove back to our home (leaving my husband and son with the in-laws an hour away) and went straight into work. By the time I got home on Wednesday, I had been going for almost twenty hours straight. I tossed and turned Wednesday night and slept in a little on Thursday before heading back into the office.

About two hours into my workday I received some difficult news about my brother. My husband, mother, and I are sharing responsibility for raising my neice and nephew. My brother and his crazy, soon to be ex-wife both have substance abuse problems that resulted in the State removing my neice and nephew and placing them with us. My brother has been clean now since last March and has been the star pupil of the state substance abuse program. Well, at least until last weekend. Apparentely, his last drug screen came back positive for cocaine. To say that this is hearbreaking would be a huge understatement. Coincidentally, the children's mother also failed her drug/alcohol test this week. We don't know what she was using though. As a result both parents have lost visiting privileges with their children for several weeks. This of course, was devastating for the children as well.

By Thursday night I was sick at heart and really missing my family. About eleven I looked at my bed (covered in laundry that needed to be folded) and made the decision to drive the two hours to be with my husband. I got back to my in-laws house (in a different time zone-an hour later) around two in the morning, took a shower, hugged my husband, and crashed. It was heavenly. Home is wherever he and our son is. I even managed to sneak a hug from my son before I crashed.

So. Needless to say, between being sick, hotel hopping, unpacking, a business trip, insane work hours, and personally upsetting news my chart is pathetic. I haven't ovulated yet and I'm not really holding out hope either. I think this month is just a throw away month- it kills me though as we had previously decided to take next month off from trying. The majority of my family have birthdays in July- including my mother and son. I just don't want another Cancer. Ya know?

So here it is. I'm keeping with the contrasting chart that I was using for comparison before.

You can really tell when the craziness started, CD 14 was the first morning I woke up in the hotel with that cold. I had initially chosen to ignore that temp, but after seeing subsequent temperatures I decided to let it stand. Until then though my chart was downright perfect.

Oh well. Everything for a reason, right?

A Little Bedside Humor

One of the most interesting things about the process of trying to conceive is how much it changes your personal life. My husband and I have been together for a long time (though we haven't been actually married for most of that time) so any kind of newness or shyness that we might have once had has loooonng since worn off. I think that's normal though, and frankly, welcome. I like that we're comfortable with each other- I like that we can laugh, even during times where laughter may not necessarily be expected.

Take last night for instance: We're following an abbreviated SMEP, basically we're trying to BD on the days that the plan recommends, but we're skipping the ovulation testing and using only BBT, CM, and CP to determine ovulation. This is a good compromise for us and one that we can both live with. The only thing is that it does require that we BD more than we typically would. I know that's sad, but honestly, with everything that we have going on right now it's just the cold, hard, truth.

We tease each other about 'taking one for the team' on the nights that we really don't want to BD but go through the motions anyway because it's the right time to. Don't get me wrong, it's still a helluva lot of fun, but the kind of fun that I could be equally happy postponing. Know what I mean?

So anyway, last night was one of those nights. Poor J has been battling killer allergies on top of a head cold for the last few days and really was just not in the mood. Honestly, I really wasn't expecting him to be able to finish- we're not eighteen anymore and he was really having to work a little harder at it than I think he wanted to (or typically needs to). We have an understanding that we're not going to stress out about it, if it happens, great- if not, well, there's always tomorrow. Thankfully, it doesn't stress his ego out or anything and it certainly doesn't hurt my feelings any either.

So after almost giving up he decides that he wants to try and finish. I'm thinking (I'm ashamed to admit) "whatever, lets just get on with this and get to bed". So he gets back to work and right as he is finishing up, like right then, we hear Etta James' voice come over the radio singing 'At Last' (can you hear her voice in your head?). I probably undid most of his hard work because I totally busted out laughing. I could not get control of myself. J was doubled over next to me hyperventilating he was laughing so hard- it seriously was just one of those moments, ya know?

I didn't bother laying back with my feet in the air, there hardly seemed any point after all of the laughing I did, but man o man, if a child was created out of that moment, I'm glad I'll always have something wonderful to remember it by!

Anyway, here's today's chart with that adjusted June overlay. It's still following the same pattern- which is cool because it really helps give me a good idea when I can expect to ovulate.

So This is Interesting...

I've been playing around on FF trying to see if I can discern any pattern between this month's chart and past months. I noticed that June seemed to be just a step or two off but pretty dang close so I played around in the analyzer function and came up with this:

I set June to pin on CD 3 against this month and it's a near perfect match. This more than anything bolsters my thinking that I'll ovulate on or really near CD 14. If that's the case, I'll have moved my ovulation date up by six days since adding the supplements. That's freakin' awesome! That gives me a fifteen day LP!

It's nice to see something that actually makes sense to me for a change!

CD 8: Getting Crazy

Since May when I began charting (half way through my cycle) I've noticed that I have been moving more and more towards a more typical ovulation day. In May I didn't ovulate until around day 20(something), in June it was a few days earlier, July was anovulatory, and August was on CD 15 (yay!). Despite what my chart indicates, I think that it's likely that I'll probably ovulate around CD 14 - CD-16 this month. I'm planning on the earlier ovulation date. I believe strongly that this progress is due to several factors, the least of which not being the fact that I have completely gotten away from caffeine (booya!). Additionally I have added into my diet supplements like Maca, L-Arginine, B6, B12, and a few other things. All in all, while I have not yet gotten pregnant I do think I've taken major steps toward living a lot more healthily. Those are all good things.

I've also gotten a lot more in tune with my body- and that's not something that I'm entirely sure is a good thing. Take today for example: I've been having these really weird twingy like pains right about where I would expect my right ovary to be. Strange because I'm still a solid five days (at minimum!) away from ovulation. I'll sometimes feel it when I ovulate and this does feel somewhat similar, but it's different. This is almost like when you're running and you get a side stitch- only in a different place.

Before this recent newfound intunement? Eh, I'm just getting old.

Now? Shoot! Am I getting ready to ovulate super early this month? Maybe I should go out and get some of those ovulation predictor kits. We just BD’d last night, I wonder what my chances are of convincing J to give it a go again…

See what I mean?

Craziness!

And another thing, what’s the deal with keeping track of when you BD? I’ve never really cared overly much until now. I mean, I’d note it on my personal calendar *just in case* but always marked it on whatever day it was when I got up that morning. If it was after midnight but before I went to sleep, I still counted it as the same day. Now? Hell, now the desire to be precise is overwhelming! I know deep down that it doesn’t matter one shred what I mark on my calendar, but the knowledge that I’m following something makes me feel better.It gives me a measure of control over something that it otherwise out of my control.

So last night when I marked my calendar before going to bed I indicated our BD on Sunday (as it was after 2am)- and I’ve been driving myself crazy with it ever since. If we’re supposed to start BDing on CD 8 (today) , should I count that BD or not? Does two hours into CD 8 count or should we try again tonight and count that?

ARGH!Like it matters!!!

I know where this craziness comes from. I’m competitive- I always have been. J’s sister is pregnant and now I want more than ever to be pregnant at the same time. He has a large Scots/Irish/Catholic family and has a couple of cousins that he grew up with very close in age. He would love it if we could have the same set up- even if we do live on opposite sides of the country. Incidentally, my family is Italian and between us, I’m pretty sure that we’re responsible for half the population of this side of the country. One would think that I could get knocked up easily!

I know that I’m crazy right now- really, just back away and I promise to be better in a little while.

You know, as soon as I get pregnant!

Aaaaaand my sister in law just called to tell us that she's pregnant with her second child.

I'm happy for her, I really really am. I'm not kidding when I say that I love her dearly and that I really am happy for her.

She's three and a half weeks along now.

Great.

Now I feel like an ass.

A Rambling Rant

I’ve always prided myself on my positive attitude. I’ve always believed that our attitudes are one of the very few things that we have control over. Because of this, I’ve made it a point to always choose happiness, no matter what else was going on around me. Sometimes, choosing happiness can mean just choosing not to be sad.

Bad things happen, bad things will always happen; that’s just the way life is. But among those bad things will also always be good things. Sometimes you have to look harder than you’d wish, but if you do choose to look, the good is always there.

When the market tanked back in 2008 my husband and I did what everyone else did, we tightened our belts. We lived more conservatively, we learned to shop with coupons (eventually becoming somewhat well known in our area for our ability to purchase lots of food and household products for just a little money), we worked at paying down what little debt that we did have. We even traded in our large Expedition for a much smaller and more conservative Prius.

Because we took those steps we were in a very good position when J lost his job in May 2010.

In the time that has passed since we have continued moving forward. J has gone back to school and has finished up his Masters degree. We have been in the position to offer assistance to family member’s who desperately needed our help. Lots of good things have happened- things that I would never want to appear ungrateful for.

But I’ll be honest and tell you that I’m really scared right now. Our financial situation, while not as strong as it once was, is still solid. We’ve not missed one payment, we’ve never been so much as late on one payment for anything, and we’ve even managed to gain a little ground. But each month that goes by without a job offer scares me a little more. J’s last two positions were those of Vice President- he was not just your run of the mill, one is the same as the next, faceless engineer (or whatever). He is very very good at what he does but there has to be a company looking for someone for that position. Or at least one willing to believe that he would be equally happy taking an Operations Manager job as long as there was room for advancement.

The bickering that I’m seeing in Washington right now is disheartening. I really don’t believe that anyone there gets up in the morning and thinks to themselves “hmmm, how can I screw the country over today?” And yet that’s what’s happening. It really feels to me that they are all so worried about being right and standing tough and not compromising that they’ve lost sight at what’s at stake.

I want, more than almost anything else in the world to have a baby.

But my husband needs a job. My fifteen year old needs security (and braces- so he says), and I would love the lost ability to just relax a little. To not always be worried about what is coming down the bend.

And now there have been rumors of a second recession?

So I’m really struggling with the idea of bringing a child into the world the way it is right now. We're hanging on by our teeth right now in the sheer hope that J will get back to work sooner than later. But what if he doesn’t? What if the economy crashes again, only this time it’s worse than it was before?

We got a small taste of what it is like to live without a lot of the luxuries we had been used to last Spring when a series of tornado's came and took out large sections of our state. We were without power for about a week- and as scary as the storms were, it was the threat of anarchy that was really scary. The grocery stores were barren, our town had a curfew in place, and the whole community kind of sat with baited breath waiting to see if our water supply was compromised. It was really scary.

I’m rambling right now, but I guess seeing the article about the possibility of a second recession that got to me. I don’t know if we could survive a second recession. I don’t know if this country could.

All I want is to be allowed to work hard, make a decent wage, and raise a family.

But if I can’t do that, what’s left?

I know that if we don’t try and get pregnant right now that we won’t have the chance to later. I don’t know how I know that, I just do.

So where does that leave us?

CD 7...

CD 5

I went ahead and ordered pregnancy tests last night from Amazon. I don't know why I put it off as long as I did; I guess it's a hold over from past experience. I got pregnant with my son on BCP using condoms when I was twenty. I idea of needing to try to get pregnant has been so foreign to me for such a long time that I guess I've been a little slow to join the party.

Up until now I have managed to wait to test until AF was due- which meant that I never really needed to test. Last month I lost that particular battle and wound up purchasing two different boxes of pregnancy tests (for a total of five tests) that cost me the same as what my order on Amazon did tonight. Only tonight I bought fifty.

It still seems like overkill. Fifty pregnancy tests? Who needs that many?

Oh yeah, that would be me!

I am pleased to report that my husband is still receiving great feedback on the resumes that he's sending out. We are still waiting to hear back on the job that required three interviews, the last one lasting four and a half hours. I don't know if he got it or not, but it'd be nice to know one way or the other. He got a call from a different company this morning setting up an interview next Tuesday. We are so blessed to be receiving the response that we are in this economy. So many send off resume after resume and never hear anything. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

This is so nerve wracking! I can't believe that we're trying to get pregnant before he goes back to work (he's always been the main breadwinner though we are both equally educated). I guess I'm more afraid of our waiting too long and missing our chance at having another child. I turn thirty six next month, he's turning forty-three in December. We're running out of time.

If you're the praying type, I'd sure appreciate a few good words on our behalf. If your not, kind thoughts would be appreciated too.

It's almost game time again. I sure would love a June baby!