My Story

I got pregnant at age twenty by my longtime boyfriend- we had always talked about getting married so when I got knocked up we thought "why not?". Three years later I was divorced (and rather traumatized) and it was a loooong time after that before I was able to consider actually getting married again. No one in my family that I was aware of had ever gotten divorced- let alone survived an abusive relationship. Here I was fresh out of both! I moved back home in late 1997 to collect my thoughts and enroll in college (again). I no sooner found an apartment than my mother came to me and asked me to not move out. She proposed the following arrangement: I would live at home, work, and help her take care of my dad. In exchange she would watch my son while I took classes at night. So that's exactly what we did!

I met J in early 2002 and knew almost immediately that he was the one for me. I graduated college (finally!) in August of that year and immediately signed up for graduate school. My father's health had continued to drastically decline and I just couldn't see myself moving away. Around that same time J's mother underwent what was supposed to be a routine heart examination. Something went wrong and they severed nerves in her spine, essentially paralyzing her from the waist down. J's father was laid off around that time as well so J quit his job and moved back home with them to do what he could to help. He and his father started their own consulting business and managed to eek out a living enough so that his parents were able to keep their house and medical insurance. Watching him put his life on hold and having to hold his family together as he did did more to convince me that he was someone that I could rely on more than anything else. Others may have seen a grown man living at home with his parents, seemingly unemployed. I saw a guy that dropped everything to come home and work 20 hour days to make sure his mom lived, his dad didn’t have a nervous breakdown, and that they didn’t lose their house.

My father passed away six years ago and around that same time J's mother recovered enough to not need the constant care that she had required. It was as if heaven's gate had opened and all of a sudden the sun was shining down on us. He made the long move from Ontario (where he had been living with his parents while his father worked for a German company) and found a job as Vice President of Operations for a company in the same city I was in.

Two short years later we were married (seven and a half years after first meeting) and within a couple of months made the decision to get off birth control. Imagine my shock when upon first broaching the subject with my doctor (or more accurately, my old doctor), that I was immediately whisk away and ordered to undergo lab work, an abdominal ultrasound, and a vaginal ultrasound!! Bear in mind that I was and always had been in very good health. (Again, I did say my old doctor!!)

I'll save a lot of time and typing and just say that everything came back normal.

I was terrified! The idea of intentionally getting pregnant?? Like, on purpose? I think at the time I was honestly okay with the idea of hypothetically having another child. I'm not sure I was really at the point that I could seriously think about actually getting pregnant.

Anyway, J and I "tried" to get pregnant on and off for the first half of 2010. I say "tried" because we weren't really doing anything other than having unprotected sex. I had no idea when I was ovulating and was basically operating under the assumption that I'd get pregnant if we just did it without birth control. I mean hell, I got pregnant the first time while on birth control pills AND condoms so how hard could it possibly be?!?
In April Jeff and I found a house that we loved. Less than a week before we were supposed to close J called to tell me that he'd been laid off. The company had been downsized and most of the executive level management had been terminated. Whaaaaaa? We had no warning. We were already boxed up! The movers had been scheduled. Everything was ready. This was Friday. We were closing on Monday!!

I called my mother and she offered her home to us while we figured out what the next step would be. We knew that we could afford, even on unemployment, to pay for a small two bedroom apartment. While I had left professional employment the year before, I had taken a small, part time job at our local YMCA to give me something to do. So there was that income too. Laughable, though it may be.

We decided to take the loss of his job for what I believe it was: a gift.

Had he lost his job three days later it would've been too late. We'd have been obligated to a mortgage that we never would've been able to afford. We were blessed to get our earnest money back and decided to do the most irresponsible/best thing ever. We, for the very first time (ever!), took a long vacation. We visited each of our families that lived out of state. We took a 5000 mile road trip in our Prius and thanked God for the opportunity. It was glorious!!

Two months after moving in with my mother she came to us (in July) and said that she was going to have to have her right knee replaced and would be home, unable to drive for several weeks following. So we thought "maybe this is why all of this had to happen, so we could be available to help her."

About a week before her surgery she got an ear infection and had to reschedule it to December (last). In September J went back to graduate school and decided to try and finish his Masters.

In October I was offered a position with our local YMCA that allowed me to go (almost) full time.

In November, our world came crashing down again when I discovered that my younger brother and his wife had become addicts (his wife has always kept him from our family for the ten years they've been married). We took his children in (aged 5 and 8) and fearfully began the process of trying to reach out to him.

In January DHR got involved and made the children's placement somewhat more formal by "safety planning" them to us. It was around that time that my hair began falling out in the shower and J's blood pressure became high- for the first time ever.

In March my brother walked out of his very abusive relationship (the shrink indicated that he was the classically battered spouse) and began the process of getting sober. His wife, who is crazy (like really) began attacks on our family, specifically my husband and son implying things that would never happen. Happily, we knew that she would eventually go there and took steps with DHR to make sure we protected ourselves.

In April, the Southern tornado's came within a half of a mile of destroying our home. We survived with only minor damage and lived for one week with no power. It was a small inconvenience given the horror that was so easily seen so close by.

In May J graduated with a Masters in Management.

In June the courts granted DHR Temporary Legal Custody of the kids and the children were formally placed in our (or more accurately, my mother's) home. By that time J and I had asked to be removed as the safety plan (as his job prospects had been looking up and we were thinking that moving was a distinct possibility).

We spent most of June and July in Canada visiting with J's parents (who were getting ready to move back to the States) and just relaxing. My hair started to grow back and J's blood pressure began returning to normal. It was then that we realized that while we had each made the decision in the past to stay and fight for our family, that this time, we needed to walk away. If that meant that the children had to go to foster care than that was what had to happen. We couldn't take the children without also inviting their mother and her crazy family (did I mention, her brother served time for manslaughter and her mother has been in and out of jail for years?) into our lives. At some point in our lives, we had to put ourselves first. I can't begin to tell you how heartbreaking that decision is to live with. My mother stepped up and asked that she be allowed to take our place. Her request was granted, though now she finds herself in the same position that we did before. The children are wonderful and we love them very much. But the cost of those children with the crazy that comes with them? It's so unfair!

In June J began getting calls on the resumes that he'd been posting. Since then, he's had a phone call, email, or interview at least once a week. Last week he had three interviews with three different companies. The last one lasted four hours and required that he meet with the Corporate Human Resources Manager, the Regional VP, and a plant manager. We should hear something in a couple of weeks. While his last two positions were those of VP, he's applying for Operations Manager positions in the hopes that this increases his chances. At this point, we'd be grateful for anything!

We decided last spring that with all of the drama and heartache that we've had over the last year that if we put off having children any longer that we'd probably lose our chance. We sat down and had to make a decision as to what we thought would be worse, getting pregnant while J was still unemployed (and we're living with my mother... shudder!) or to lose, once and for all, the possibility of getting pregnant.

We began actively trying about halfway through May. I just have this deep down feeling that it's going to take us a while. That it's not going to be easy for us to get pregnant and just pop out a baby. We have an appointment with an RE in November (which would be six months from when we "actively" began trying.

There are some days that I get so angry. When I look around at my peers, I see other 35 year old women and wonder what line I got in that sentenced me to be the one to always have to deal with issues other than my own. Does that sound selfish? I don't mean it to be. But really- I want my house. I want a chance to have a life that doesn't include worry and fear and disappointment. I want to move out of the home that I grew up in. It's become a gilded cage. And it's embarrassing.

And then I feel guilty because I can so easily see a divine hand in everything that's happened. Because J lost his job when he did we were able to get out of a big mortgage payment. We were available to offer care to my mother (who has no one else) for when she finally gets her knee surgery. J was able to finish his Master’s degree (something that NEVER would have happened otherwise). Our son, largely because J was around to help, finished out his school year with a 92% average. We were available to rescue my niece and nephew from deplorable neglect. We were able to save my brother from an abusive relationship and help get him set up with therapy, counseling, and a place to live.

None of those things would've been possible had J not lost his job.

I'm still not sure why my life has followed the path that it has. I came from a solid family, my parents were married for 36 years- my mom was the PTA president at my school and my dad was Santa at Christmas. My brother was a youth mentor in our church, a varsity soccer player, and an Eagle Scout.

I have to believe, deep down, that things will work themselves out the way they are meant. Isn't that the definition of faith? The belief in things not seen?

In the mean time, I pray every day that when that day does come, that it won't be too late for me to meet the son or daughter that I've dreamt so long about. I hope they have J's eyes. They really are the most amazing shade of blue.